How Do You Support a Grieving Friend?
There is so much focus on what to say to somebody who is grieving, but the truth is that there is nothing that can be said.
When a friend is in pain, we immediately go into ‘fix it’ mode, looking for the perfect words or the perfect actions to fix their pain. But the pain of loss and grief isn’t something to be fixed. There is no treatment, no medication… the only way through is to actually walk the road of grief. So how can we love and support that person as they walk?
The short answer is to simply show up. To be available to sit in silence with them, to walk beside them, to listen, and to simply care enough to be beside them in the discomfort of their grief and pain. There are also the tangible ways to show your love, such as bringing meals, taking on chores like lawn and yard maintenance, doing their laundry or cleaning their house, spending time with their children, and reaching out in person or via telephone or text with simple reminders that you care.
It is important not to put the onus on your grieving friend to reach out to ask for help; the heaviness and fog of grief blocks much of our ability to know and express what we need. Instead, just show up. Send a text that you are bringing burgers for them, and ask what they'd like on their burger. Grab some grocery staples and basics, and drop them off to them. Call and ask what time is best for you to come and mow the lawn or shovel the snow. If they have children, offer to take their kids out for an adventure for a few hours. Have a meal delivered by one of the many meal delivery services. And offer your ear... no judgement, no fixing, just a willingness to sit with them in their pain and listen.
At our inaugural Finding Grace in Grief event in May of 2019, we opened with this video by Refuge in Grief, Megan Devine that brilliantly teaches that when we are in pain, acknowledgement and being seen are the most helpful things that our loved ones can do to support us. “It makes things better, even when they can’t be made right.” But how can this concept be made practical for us?
This infographic, also from Refuge in Grief, gives some very practical Do’s and Don’ts while showing support for a grieving friend.
One of the points that is made in the above graphic is that your friend’s grief is theirs, not yours. It is not the time for you to share your own grief story, or place judgement on their grieving process with reference to your own grief and loss experiences… you are merely a vessel of acknowledgement and comfort.
So back to the question of what to say? What not to say? Here are some ideas:
