How To Talk About Final Wishes?
How do you talk to someone about death who still holds hope that they will not die?
In 2015, Park Memorial was trusted with the care of the late Carol Stevens and her family. Carol had died after a very short, courageous and hope-filled journey with cancer. She was so determined that she would beat her terminal diagnosis, she became unwilling to talk about her final wishes with her family. Her daughter, Kristie, tried to broach the subject with her mom, but she was flatly denied. “I’m not talking about this. I can’t. Because I want to live.”
Kristie asks: “How do you talk to someone about death who still holds hope that they will not die.”
When Carol passed away, her family arrived at Park Memorial to look after her funeral arrangements… with no idea of what her personal wishes had been. In their state of shock, sadness and grief, they had to guess and agree together on how best to honour their wife and mother.
“If Mom had taken care of her arrangements, there would have been no question what Mom wanted. You don’t want to make these decisions when you’re foggy and your heart is broken.”
But HOW do you broach the subject of final wishes with a loved one? Here are some tips to help:
- Whenever possible, have the conversation when all participants are in good health, of sound mind, and able to give words to their wishes.
- Have the conversation at an informal and non-pressured time.
- When there is a terminal diagnosis or palliative situation, consider taking small breaks throughout the conversation. If the conversation takes place in a medical setting, consider asking for the support of a social worker or clinician to help ease the questions and answers that are needed.
- Write down your questions in advance of your conversation. Consider things like: where are your necessary documents located and who is your executor? Do you wish to be buried or cremated? What kind of funeral or life celebration would you like?
- Consider having someone present to mediate and support the conversation. Whether a therapist, clergy, or trusted friend, sometimes the presence and insights of somebody not tied to the outcomes of the conversation can really help.
- Contact your funeral director and talk things through together. They will be able to guide you through answering all of the questions that are important at the time of need, as well as to educate you about the many choices available to you, and the laws and policies that govern them.
“Knowing what I know now… if my mom had pre-planned her funeral, I would have burst out in tears with relief."
Society holds such fear and ‘taboo’ around talking about death and dying. Park Memorial is committed to normalizing the conversation around death and dying in our community so that families like Carol’s can have peace that they are honouring their loved one’s wishes, while being free from having to guess at making so many critical decisions.
Can we assist with your conversation with a loved one? We have many ideas to help and can be reached seven days a week at
780-426-0050 or by email at
info@parkmemorial.com.
